Monday, May 28, 2007

Bush, Pope & Kevorkian Come to Agreement On Memorial Day

by D. Arthur Vader,
Coroner and Death Editor

It was an auspicious occasion indeed as the leader of the free world, the Christian world and of those who voluntarily die came together in a meeting of strange bedfellows. As we honor the fallen dead on Memorial Day in the US, both papal edict and executive order provided a legal and spiritual out for Dr. "Death" Kevorkian.

Dr. Kevorkian took it under advisement but decided to reserve the right for a future occasion as not to overshadow the much more popular death of our soldiers,
"I am honored by the clear endorsement from Mr. Bush and the Pope of my death, but I think it is only fair we celebrate the death of thousands of US soldiers and I dare say many in Iraq are celebrating the deaths of more than 100, 000 of their own people. I only wish I could have been there to assist."
The Pope, in a surprise turn, declared the reestablishment of purgatory with a special spot for Kevorkian at the time of his choosing. Bush joined in by suggesting he wished he had it so good, as he is quite sure he is going to the deepest fires of hell when he dies.

Richard Dawkins, well known leader of the Atheist Church and author of the God Delusion, suggested he only wished there was a hell for Bush so he could join his longtime friend, Rev. Jerry Falwell who recently died just short of this day of death celebration.

Bush's comments were very brief as he had many deaths to celebrate.
"As you know, I never attend funerals but I don't mind people dying, so long as it's not one of my friends. And Dick, don't shoot me in the face, hehe."

Many on the Democratic side of the aisle accused Bush of pandering to the dead and dying.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Dream Interpretations Of President 'W' -- Official Announcement Of Mental Illness

Regular Contributor,
Chinko Vergudo

It seems those who have been complaining that President Bush has been "dreaming" or that he must been "asleep", have apparently turned out to be too close for comfort.

Here is a picture (photo-realistic projection) of one of the images from the President's dreams. It was recently released in an attempt to clarify Bush's position on "listening to others".

You see, 'W' has a rare disease of deafness to ideas called Intellipanica. According to child Dr. Benjamin Spock, Jr. the son of the well-known doctor of the same name from the sixties, 'W' believes he is still a child. Spock took up where his famous father left off. Sock Sr. originated the idea of "never spanking your children" ; he has been tracking the President for many years continuing his father's research.
Spock says, "The disease appears to affect approximately 25% of Americans, mostly either suffering from poverty and illiteracy or they are among the incestuous royal upper class."
The machine, the highest of technology, gives us a rare glimpse into the head of our President and frankly such technology is not affordable to the ordinary American, though we could all use the benefit of clarity that comes from viewing the images created by the brain while dreaming, which Mr. Bush apparently does a lot.

Dr. Spock suggests that an instant deafness occurs to Mr. Bush when he hears good ideas, and he reverts back to his childhood when he was forced to listen to tapes of intelligent men and women who advised his father. Despite, the ideas being of the same party, he seems to simply "shut down" and go into a child's world; a kind of narcoleptic attack, during which he dreams of animals attempting to bite him while he waits for his mommy when she is in the store.

It seems that Barbara, his mother, used to leave him in the car for hours at a time with the windows up and Secret Service guards posted outside the car, while the temperature rose to well over 120 degrees inside the car, frying his brain. The result is a kind of zombi-ism that appears to many to be simply smiling and nodding in agreement. But, Mr. Bush, much like Terry Schiavo, is in a vegetative state. In wealthy families, it often goes undetected as they will get into the right schools anyway, despite their poor thinking skills. Alcohol seems to help slightly at early stages of the disease.

In W's case, he was very popular and assumed intelligent as his father had been. The Bush family is only now admitting that he needs help and puppetmaster Karl Rove has been called in to administer his usual revival methods while helping Mr. Bush to appear to be in control.

According to VP Cheney, he just needs a kick in the ass to get him back into reality from time to time, but now he is slipping and may very well fall into a permanent vegetative state soon if not already. It is hard to tell, according to Dr. Spock.

Now that the problem is out in the open, it all make sense why he appeared disinterested and blank when Chief of Staff Andrew Card informed him of the 9/11 attacks. He just kept listening to the children's stories and that seemed to give him the coping mechanism to which he had become accustomed.

Much like his predecessor, Reagan, it appears not to matter as VP Cheney claims he has compensated for the mental illness. It should be noted W has been sleepwalking recently, mumbling, "Don't shoot me in the face," and loudly calling Laura a "cunt" while asking his twin daughters to pass him the bottle, which they do.

The first lady has adjusted well as her dosage of Zanax is more than sufficient to keep her smiling most of the time. Meanwhile the President slips more deeply into the disease and there appears to be no cure.
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